If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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