Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
