being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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