im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
