I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
