maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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