I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
