Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm passing your future prison.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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