I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
