I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
