Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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