I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
