you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
