smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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