So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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