just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
