You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
