What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
