I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
