Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
