She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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