I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
