look no pants
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
