Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
