there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
