clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
