Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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