Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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