He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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