All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
