I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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