If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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