i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
