i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
