Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
