I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
