Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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