we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
