I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
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you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
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This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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