Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
