just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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