This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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