Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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