Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
