So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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