I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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