i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
