You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
