Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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