How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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