I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
