life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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