i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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