Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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